let go...

Why is it so hard to let go and let God?

As posts in the past have suggested I am finding it hard to ‘find a future’ for myself. At the beginning of this year I started at an adult school with the intensions of gaining a TER and a position in the vet science course at uni. Well a lot has happened since then...

After just a term back at school I decided (rightly or wrongly), that it wasn’t for me. I pulled out of my classes and went back to a minimum wage income at my job of 6 years. Don’t get me wrong I love working there. It’s such a friendly atmosphere and I have been blessed with the best boss you could ever ask for; but it’s not a career.

So were to now? I have a passion for children and youth, and for animals. The saying goes don’t work with children and/ or animals, but the truth is that's all I could ever imagine doing. So all I need to do is find a career that encompasses one or both of these passions, right? And fits perfectly into my preconceived idea of the perfect career, right? Well somehow I don't think it's as easy as that.

I may have omitted the fact that I also have a passion for God and serving Him. But what does that look like? I don’t know. And to be completely honest I'm scared to find out.

See I am scared that if I LET GO of my preconceived ideas and what the world tells me is a suitable career, and a healthy enough pay packet. And LET GOD take reign over my future, guide my path, challenge me in ways I never thought possible; then well I wouldn’t be in control.

This is and has been a huge struggle of mine for many years. I am a self admitted control freak who NEEDS to learn that GOD SHOULD be in control, and I am simply the vessel He MAY choose to use. My hopes and dreams pale in significance when it comes to what the Lord can achieve with a willing, eager, and faithful vessel.

Why should I conform to the ways of the world, their actions and their way for thinking? Should I not break free of the strong hold of this worldly thinking and be set a flight by the power, might and strength of GOD? And dare to dream the impossible, because through Him the impossible is made possible; if we have faith and we are in accordance with His will; A will that we will never know about if we don’t have a relationship with Him.

only 2 years, but yet a lifetime

On the 7th of this month it was the second year anniversary of my Dads operation. For those of you who don't know this was a huge and highly risky operation; and on that day God graciously granted our prayers for a safe and successful procedure.

Also on that day God gave me an inner peace like I had never felt before. I had to let go and put my trust in God that He was going to do what was right according to His perfect will. He rested his had upon my shoulder and let me know that He was there no matter what the outcome, good or bad, He was there.

It had been what seemed like a lifetime, but in fact just 4 or so hours had passed, Dad was out of the theater and in a stable condition, but the road to recovery was not going to be an easy one.

6 days after his operation he was moved from the cardio ICU (intensive care unit) to just the ordinary ICU.

Day seven the 14th of April, it was Dads birthday. Still in the ICU he was only permitted 2 visitors at a time. Baring cake in one arm and gifts in the other Mum was devastated that the nurse wouldn't let us all in (Mum, my brother and sister and myself) to wish him a happy birthday. At that time Dads Doctor was walking past and inquired, he escorted us in we sang Happy birthday, Dad blew out his imaginary candles, we sliced up the cake and he unwrapped his presents. It was a memorable but slightly abnormal birthday.

...before the operation the Doctors told us that Dad was never going to be 'cured' but the operation would extend his life. And that after his opp he was going to get worse before he got better...
They were spot on Dad did get worse, but then he got better, he could do things and it was as if he had a whole new lease of life.

* * *

So people ask me "how's your Dad?" from time to time, and I think how am I supposed to answer that? It's hard because I am with him everyday, I don't notice the slow but steady decline in his health until something really strikes him and we are forced to take a step back and re-asses.

Like just recently Dad was a little under the weather so he went to see his GP, who sent him to the Hospital. It was nothing major thankfully, however they were thorougher and kept him in all long weekend, which he was not overly thrilled about.
But stepping back and looking at the big picture I realise now that Dad isn't well, in fact I would say he is the same now (if not worse) then before he had the operation.
I try not to dwell on it because it makes me far too sad, but knowing that my father is just going to get progressively worse, slowly but surely until.... well that's just not a happy thought.

Thankfully I know that he will live forever in eternity with the Lord almighty, and that makes me happy, but selfishly i want him here with me. I think about my wedding some day, will he be there to walk me down the isle, or to see his gran kids.
But then I think of how hard it must be for him, the same thoughts he must have about missing out on life's milestones, or the frustration he must feel when he can't complete a simple task without taking a break. I pray that God my ease his burdens and worries, that he might to feel that inner peace that I felt that day 2 years ago. And that I might be a support for him and that I may to rediscover the indescribable feeling of handing it all to God and resting solely on Him.

even the small things

Please bear with me as I'm catching up on all my posts all in the same day. The words just float in my head until I have a spare moment to sit down and type them.

So this amazing thing happened the other day, but I have to back track a little so it makes sense to those not living in my head.

I don't know if I have previously mentioned that have started studying at school this year, but I have. And I was really nervous about the whole thing. I've been out of school for two years now and I am going back to fulfil the prerequisites to go to uni and become a vet. The school I'm at is an adult campus so there's people there from all age groups. So fitting in was a concern of mine considering I wasn't so great at that the first time I went through school.

Anyways long story short I told a friend about my concerns and she prayed for me. She prayed that I would find a friend especially a christian one.

There is this girl from my math class who I kinda started to talk to; I mean we would sit at the same table at lunch and read our books and magazines, and exchange just a few words here and there.

Then the other day at lunch she came and sat with me at the table, we got talking (she wants to be a lawyer) and I found out that she is a christian.

The Lord is good and answers prayers (no matter how small).
Some times we need to be reminded of how awesome our God is and how much He cares for us.

The best year of my life

So I was going to write this post about how a friend said that her 19th year was her best of her life, and how I'm still waiting for the best year of my life.

Then she told me why it was her best year. She said it was because of the big 'fork in the road' decisions that she had to make... And how that changed her life.

Reflecting back, my 19th year was full of big life, out look and attitude changes for me too. It was a year of blessings and challenges. Trials and support.

Thank you Lord for a year of so much learning, breaking, moulding and shaping.
And thank you friend for helping me realise that the best year of my life wasn't necessarily a year of all 'ups' but the year in which God developed and refined me the most.

For Him

I guess at the end of last year I was a little confused about what the future held for me; now for those of you who know me, you have probably worked out that I'm a bit of a control freak. So not knowing my plans for the new year really bothered me. I winged and wined (I would say talked, but we all know it was more likely that I actually winged) about this to my 'mentors' on more then one occasion and eventually got the message that God knows my future.

This is the verses that popped up a few times...

John 10:27-28 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand.

After a lot of prayer whinging, researching, reading 'Cure for the common life, Max Lucado', Praying, talking to 'wise' friends, applying and more praying... I came to the conclusion that god had put a desire for animals and their welfare in my heart for just this reason ... to be a vet. (Dr. Steph) has a nice ring to it.

Ever since I was 7 I wanted to be a vet, I looked up to Dr. Harry Cooper, on his TV show Harry's Practice, and had the pleasure of meeting him once. I loved all animals of every description, big or small, wet and slimy or dry and prickly, you name it... (all but spiders).

But somewhere along the line my life became crowded with other desires. Children and the desire to serve God, had me leading youth group and a Sunday school class, and interning at the church and school. Don't get me wrong the past two years of my life have been full of challenges and blessings, and lots of growth both personally and spiritually.

So at the end of 2009 when it came to assessing my life and setting a future path, I was at a loss, I had know idea what to do with out the identity of "Stephanie the Craigmore intern, dependable, reliable, and at your service". But God knew, He knew all along that I needed those two years to grow in Him, and he new that at this time in my life I was ready to walk the path He had set for me...even if I was a little oblivious to it at the start.

I am currently a few weeks into term 1 at Para West Adult Campus studying Maths Studies, Chemistry and Creative textiles. Heading for a TER of 93+ to enroll at uni for veterinary science. It's hard work and most days I try and go it alone, but I know that I cannot do this in my own strength but it is the Lord alone that can get me through. And when I am a vet it will be because of Him and for Him.

A bridge called Hope

I wanted to tell you about this awesome book that I have just finished reading, I wanted to blow your mind, sharing of its inspiration, fun and laughter, it's wisdom, and it's sadness and tears. This book has opened my eyes to the glory of the way God answers prayer; in His own time, and His own way (which is best for us) even if He answers it in a way and time we were not expecting. This book told me stories of rescued horses, that when showered with love and compassion that went on to 'rescue' youth from their own battles of lack of love, or their miss fit nature or their inability to trust. Through these horses and this youth ranch God has used both the two legged and the four to restore love and ignite hope in the lives of these children, which are so precious to God.

... I suppose I have some what shared with you this amazing book A Bridge Called Hope, Kim Meeder. And I hope the lessons this book has taught me will continue to effect my life and the lives of others around me. I hope that I too am a viable vessel that God can use for His glory.