let go...

Why is it so hard to let go and let God?

As posts in the past have suggested I am finding it hard to ‘find a future’ for myself. At the beginning of this year I started at an adult school with the intensions of gaining a TER and a position in the vet science course at uni. Well a lot has happened since then...

After just a term back at school I decided (rightly or wrongly), that it wasn’t for me. I pulled out of my classes and went back to a minimum wage income at my job of 6 years. Don’t get me wrong I love working there. It’s such a friendly atmosphere and I have been blessed with the best boss you could ever ask for; but it’s not a career.

So were to now? I have a passion for children and youth, and for animals. The saying goes don’t work with children and/ or animals, but the truth is that's all I could ever imagine doing. So all I need to do is find a career that encompasses one or both of these passions, right? And fits perfectly into my preconceived idea of the perfect career, right? Well somehow I don't think it's as easy as that.

I may have omitted the fact that I also have a passion for God and serving Him. But what does that look like? I don’t know. And to be completely honest I'm scared to find out.

See I am scared that if I LET GO of my preconceived ideas and what the world tells me is a suitable career, and a healthy enough pay packet. And LET GOD take reign over my future, guide my path, challenge me in ways I never thought possible; then well I wouldn’t be in control.

This is and has been a huge struggle of mine for many years. I am a self admitted control freak who NEEDS to learn that GOD SHOULD be in control, and I am simply the vessel He MAY choose to use. My hopes and dreams pale in significance when it comes to what the Lord can achieve with a willing, eager, and faithful vessel.

Why should I conform to the ways of the world, their actions and their way for thinking? Should I not break free of the strong hold of this worldly thinking and be set a flight by the power, might and strength of GOD? And dare to dream the impossible, because through Him the impossible is made possible; if we have faith and we are in accordance with His will; A will that we will never know about if we don’t have a relationship with Him.

Four on Friday

I just realised I really like alliteration, I use it in most of my titles.
So Four on Friday...

I was blessed with the task of babysitting the four Rouse kids, over night on Friday night... That's right I had 4 kids under 8 over night all by myself, and as you all know nothing ever goes exactly according to plan, so I'll share the highlights of our wonderful 24 hours together.

• First up was the challenge of strapping the car seat into the car. It took us about 10 minutes to workout how to adjust the strap so we could anchor it in the boot. Then it took about 10 minutes to fold the stroller up, poking and prodding and pulling almost every part of the darn thing to get it to collapse, Before squeezing int into the back seat. Car seat, stroller and Anika all secularly in the car and off I was.

• Then came the school run, one kid there 4 kids on the way home sounds simple enough, right?!?.... well 3 school children equal, three: schoolbags, lunchboxes, homework packs, jackets. and 4 children equal eight legs. Ok head count, 3 kids .... 2 kids ... 5 kids (were did that extra one come from?) ... 4 kids, all rounded up and with bags on backs we were set to go.

• Dinner time, was so easy (thanks Flick), dinner all made and ready to stick in the oven, garlic bread on the side. awesome. A little argument about who got the privilege of sitting next to me. (very flattering..... see Emma Miss Stephanie is the best). 3 dinners devoured and the other two not so keen on finishing theirs, even with the prospect of ice cream. (sorry mum, not ratting anyone out)

[as a side note I should make you aware that I go to a home group on a Friday night as do the Rouses, and I was determined to get all the kids ready at to the home group on time, a few doubted but that just made me more determined]

• Home group time arrived, the kids bathed and in their jarmies, and their teeth were brushed. Pillows, blankets, teddy's all acquired and in the car along with the kids. done. Arriving at home group and jumping out the car Harry says "Miss Stephanie I forgot my slippers.", One kid forgot slippers, one forgot a pillow and another forgot their blanket, but all in all not a bad effort.

• Setting the kids up in bed, I gave them a few minutes to read. then lights out, they of course mucked up a little, but with a gentle reminder at the prospect of Maccas for breakfast I didn't hear another peep.

• Whilst at bible study, my car was egged, the last thing I needed when I had 4 sleepy children, but what can you do but soldier on... Settling the kids into their beds back at 'home', I set out to wash my car, I had to find a bucket and cloth, and wash the car under the illumination of a little light under the carport. Grrr.

• Sleep, that was defiantly a highlight.

• Jo and Anika woke up first at 6am. Not happy Jan. But Joanna played quietly in the toy room, and Ani snuggled with me for a while, so cute. Then Harry and Jessie got up at 6:30am, and it was time for snuggles with Jess.

• Anikas outfit, was adorable. The others are old enough to dress themselves, so I was helping Ani, she wanted to wear her bear dress, but it was too cold so I put leggings on a top underneath, she looked so cute.

• Macca's was fun, ordering was chaos, but we ended up with everything we needed. I also bumped into someone I knew and the Rouses didn't, they were surprised to see me with 4 kids until I explained that they were not mine, I was babysitting.

• At the park, the kids were riding their bikes around, and climbing on the jungle gym, I look up and Anika is right at the top, then she insists that she can climb down all by herself, standing by to catch her if she falls, she climbed down with quiet some thought and skill, shes growing up so fast.

These are just a few glimpses of our wonderful time together, I love the Rouse kids, I love all kids, and I really enjoyed spending time with them. ... but once Henry and Flick got home, I was ready to go home and have a Nana nap.

Thanks for all the great memories.

only 2 years, but yet a lifetime

On the 7th of this month it was the second year anniversary of my Dads operation. For those of you who don't know this was a huge and highly risky operation; and on that day God graciously granted our prayers for a safe and successful procedure.

Also on that day God gave me an inner peace like I had never felt before. I had to let go and put my trust in God that He was going to do what was right according to His perfect will. He rested his had upon my shoulder and let me know that He was there no matter what the outcome, good or bad, He was there.

It had been what seemed like a lifetime, but in fact just 4 or so hours had passed, Dad was out of the theater and in a stable condition, but the road to recovery was not going to be an easy one.

6 days after his operation he was moved from the cardio ICU (intensive care unit) to just the ordinary ICU.

Day seven the 14th of April, it was Dads birthday. Still in the ICU he was only permitted 2 visitors at a time. Baring cake in one arm and gifts in the other Mum was devastated that the nurse wouldn't let us all in (Mum, my brother and sister and myself) to wish him a happy birthday. At that time Dads Doctor was walking past and inquired, he escorted us in we sang Happy birthday, Dad blew out his imaginary candles, we sliced up the cake and he unwrapped his presents. It was a memorable but slightly abnormal birthday.

...before the operation the Doctors told us that Dad was never going to be 'cured' but the operation would extend his life. And that after his opp he was going to get worse before he got better...
They were spot on Dad did get worse, but then he got better, he could do things and it was as if he had a whole new lease of life.

* * *

So people ask me "how's your Dad?" from time to time, and I think how am I supposed to answer that? It's hard because I am with him everyday, I don't notice the slow but steady decline in his health until something really strikes him and we are forced to take a step back and re-asses.

Like just recently Dad was a little under the weather so he went to see his GP, who sent him to the Hospital. It was nothing major thankfully, however they were thorougher and kept him in all long weekend, which he was not overly thrilled about.
But stepping back and looking at the big picture I realise now that Dad isn't well, in fact I would say he is the same now (if not worse) then before he had the operation.
I try not to dwell on it because it makes me far too sad, but knowing that my father is just going to get progressively worse, slowly but surely until.... well that's just not a happy thought.

Thankfully I know that he will live forever in eternity with the Lord almighty, and that makes me happy, but selfishly i want him here with me. I think about my wedding some day, will he be there to walk me down the isle, or to see his gran kids.
But then I think of how hard it must be for him, the same thoughts he must have about missing out on life's milestones, or the frustration he must feel when he can't complete a simple task without taking a break. I pray that God my ease his burdens and worries, that he might to feel that inner peace that I felt that day 2 years ago. And that I might be a support for him and that I may to rediscover the indescribable feeling of handing it all to God and resting solely on Him.

more guinea pigs

Monday morning I had to get up early to take Mum to work. When I returned home I went through my daily routine, first on my list; feed the guinea pigs. Much to my surprise my fat mumma Tosh was skinny, which meant... more babies. YAY!!!

She had 2 beautiful boys, one the spitting image of his mother and the other a grey coloured one.

Cookies and Cream:

Cream on the left (camera shy, he closed his eyes every time I took a photo) and cookies on the right.

My other guinea pigs:

My first guinea pigs (brothers that turned out to be brother and sister)

Called Mac and Tosh, (just a little shout out to Gilmore Girls from which these 2 were named)

My next addition, a gorgeous little girl Apple,

(making this trio: Apple Mac'in'tosh) that's one for the computer nerds out there.

My first lot of babies, from Tosh, Bubble and Squeak

Bubble (top picture) now in pet heaven, and Squeak (bottom picture) now at her new home, with her new name Molly.

My Second lot of babies Rusty and Diesel:

Mother: Apple. Rusty a handsome baby boy and Diesel a delightful little girl.

Mac (affectionately known as Big Mac) is the father to all these cute little babies.

I'm a mummy again

... Now I'm the proud new mum to my guinea pig Apple's two babies. This is immensely exciting for me, I love animals, and I love my guinea pigs especially. I grew up with pet guinea pigs, but we haven't had them in years until just recently (about 8 months ago) bought some, much to my Fathers disgust (he's not much of an animal person, my mum on the other hand is).

So I bought 2 boy guinea pigs (brothers), who I found out not long after were brother and sister :) whoops (I didn't mind, Dad was NOT happy) Mac (boy, affectionately called Big Mac) and Tosh (girl), not long after I brought another girl which I called Apple. Apple, Mac and Tosh.

Well Tosh started to get really fat... aka she was pregnant. It was an incredible moment the day when I was holding Tosh and I could feel her babies moving. I was so excited, it was one of the best experiences of my life, I can't imagine what its going to be like when I feel my own baby kicking.

About 2 months later Mac became the proud father of Bubble (girl, black/grey) and Squeak (girl, white with black patches). Squeak went to a friend and unfortunately Bubble went to pet heaven.

Then not long after Apple started to get fat, however I though that she was sick and had cysts (she hadn't been with mac in 3 months and therefore either should have already given birth or was not pregnant). much to my surprise and relief she had two beautiful babies awaiting me one afternoon. Rusty (boy,browny, redy colour) and Diesel (girl, pure black)...Later renamed Bubbles by her new owner. (a little confusing I know)

Now Tosh is impossibly pregnant again (I swear Mac has his own cage) I think she is having triplets, and they are wrigglers, which I love because it makes them easy to feel. :)

...I cant wait to be a mummy again, again.

even the small things

Please bear with me as I'm catching up on all my posts all in the same day. The words just float in my head until I have a spare moment to sit down and type them.

So this amazing thing happened the other day, but I have to back track a little so it makes sense to those not living in my head.

I don't know if I have previously mentioned that have started studying at school this year, but I have. And I was really nervous about the whole thing. I've been out of school for two years now and I am going back to fulfil the prerequisites to go to uni and become a vet. The school I'm at is an adult campus so there's people there from all age groups. So fitting in was a concern of mine considering I wasn't so great at that the first time I went through school.

Anyways long story short I told a friend about my concerns and she prayed for me. She prayed that I would find a friend especially a christian one.

There is this girl from my math class who I kinda started to talk to; I mean we would sit at the same table at lunch and read our books and magazines, and exchange just a few words here and there.

Then the other day at lunch she came and sat with me at the table, we got talking (she wants to be a lawyer) and I found out that she is a christian.

The Lord is good and answers prayers (no matter how small).
Some times we need to be reminded of how awesome our God is and how much He cares for us.

The best year of my life

So I was going to write this post about how a friend said that her 19th year was her best of her life, and how I'm still waiting for the best year of my life.

Then she told me why it was her best year. She said it was because of the big 'fork in the road' decisions that she had to make... And how that changed her life.

Reflecting back, my 19th year was full of big life, out look and attitude changes for me too. It was a year of blessings and challenges. Trials and support.

Thank you Lord for a year of so much learning, breaking, moulding and shaping.
And thank you friend for helping me realise that the best year of my life wasn't necessarily a year of all 'ups' but the year in which God developed and refined me the most.